With Opening Night less than 24 hours away, I just managed to squeeze in the second part of my 2010 predictions before it’s too late. I made predictions about our pitchers yesterday, and today I’m finishing up my predictions for our 25-man roster. In this post, you will read about what I see in our hitters’ future for this year.
Posada will convert to Buddhism this season. His change in religion will cause a huge change in his attitude. He will become “one” with all that is around him. He will greet people with hugs, and recite to them a small Buddhist prayer as he says goodbye. He will turn his space in the locker-room into a “Zen” area, and his pre-game ritual will consist of meditation while listening to the sounds of running brooks and dolphin mating calls. At the start of every game, he will give each umpire a flower.
After being hit in the elbow during a spring training game against the Baltimore Orioles, Mark “Mr. Nice Guy” Teixeira’s personality will flip 180 degrees by Opening Night. He will become the least pleasant Yankee, and will be known as “The Grumpy Old *******”. Mark will always be irritated and in a bad mood. He will never smile, ever. Even when the Yankees win the World Series again, Mark Teixeira will not smile. Throughout the season, Tex will become the “mean, retired old neighbor” of the clubhouse, and will shout at anyone who walks past his locker, telling them to get off his lawn.
This season, Robinson Cano will develop a “Bromance” with Brett Gardner, since his previous bromance with Melky Cabrera ended. Robbie and Brett will be inseparable during the first half of the season. They’ll go out together on off-days, spend all night BlackBerry Messaging each other, and will even be seen wearing matching
This season, Derek Jeter will reveal that he’s been living a secret life. He will hold a press conference and come clean about his lifestyle, and the news will shock everyone. Jeter will confess to being a suburban husband and father. He will show pictures of his wife, 3 children, and dog. He will also admit that the entire relationship with Minka Kelly was simply a cover-up for who he really is. He will say that he hid the truth for a long time, but the weight of the secret has become unbearable, so he decided to come out into the open. The biggest shocker of the presser will be when Derek shows a picture of his wife driving him to batting practice in a blue minivan.
A-Rod will hook up with Lady Gaga this year. The two will be seen everywhere together, and the tabloids will be filled with pictures of the happy couple. Rodriguez will feel at ease with Gaga, because her outrageous outfits attract so much attention that he can wear his purple lipstick and still manage to go unnoticed. After several months of dating, A-Rod will notice Lady Gaga’s “Adam’s Apple” protruding through an opening in the Medieval battle armor she’s wearing. The two will break up, but Lady Gaga will stay in touch with A-Rod’s cousin in the Dominican Republic, so she can continue her hormone treatments and finally become a woman.
Nick Swisher will sue John Sterling for using the word “Swishalicious” on the air, after Nick registers it to use as the name of his new brand of bubble gum. Swisher’s main concern will be that when people hear Suzyn Waldman say “Swishalicious”, they won’t want anything to do with the name, and he won’t be able to sell his product in New York.
Gardner will start racing for charity this year. He will be racing against cars. What’s so special about this? Did I mention that Brett will be racing on his feet? Gardner will challenge anyone and everyone to bring their sports cars and try to drive faster than he can run. Every time he wins a race, $10,000 will be donated to Unicef. After raising over $500 million, he will be named a Good Will Ambassador by the United Nations, and we will see hundreds of foreign children watching the games at Yankee Stadium.
It is known that Curtis Granderson is a highly educated and articulate individual. This year. Grandy will be a human “Word-Of-The-Day Calendar” for the Yankees outfielders. In between defensive plays, Curtis will teach Swisher, Gardner and Winn words such as imbroglio, haggard, and ostentatious.
This season, a scandal will break out linking Nick Johnson to a shady doctor. This scandalous revelation will occur after an investigation is carried out to find the reasons behind Johnson’s injuries over the years. The results of the investigation will show that the source of Nick’s injuries is a doctor he visited once in 2001. The physician, Dr. David Altchek, treated Johnson the year he made his MLB debut. Dr. Altchek is currently the Medical Director for the New York Mets.
Randy Winn will surprise everyone this season, and become the Yankees’ leader in home runs and RBIs. By June he will have hit 40 home runs and will have 150 RBIs under his belt. This will set off an alarm with MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, and Winn will be tested for Performance Enhancing Drugs. After the results of the tests are negative, Randy will reveal that the secret to his unbelievable offensive production is picturing Megan Fox standing in front of him during his at-bats. When asked “Why Megan Fox?” Winn will reply “Because I wanna hit that. I wanna hit it hard”.
With the Yankees infield completely healthy, Ramiro Pena will have very little work to do. To occupy his time, Ramiro will audition for Dora The Explorer: The Musical on Broadway. Pena will play the part of Alejandro, Dora’s love interest, in the play.
This year, Thames will successfully steal a base.
This season, Cervelli will seek revenge on all the beat writers who called him “Gazoo” during Spring Training. Since they gave him the nickname because of the oversized helmet he wore after suffering a head injury, Franky will fire foul shots to the press box at Yankee Stadium, hitting each beat writer in the head.