I’m going to keep this entry short. I don’t like to dwell on losses too much, especially so early in the season.
If you’ve ever watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, you’ll know about his “Thank You Letters” segment. I’m going to do something similar to sum up this game. Unfortunately, it won’t be funny, because this loss is just awful.
Here are my Thank You Letters:
- Thank you, Sergio Mitre, for once again validating my initial mistrust of your abilities. For a while there, you had me fooled into thinking I was wrong abou
t you. Thank you for giving me back my confidence in my judgement. You suck.
- Thank you, Randy Winn, for being Randy Loss.
- Thank you, Boone Logan, for giving my critics a reason to jump on my case and say “You only want him on the team because you think he’s sexy”. Sweetheart, you’re not going to be taken seriously as a reliever if you don’t get hitters out.
- Thank you, Yankees Defense as a whole, for being more flaccid than a retirement home going through a shortage of Viagra.
- Thank you, Australian Pitcher whom I’ve never heard of before, for continuing the Yankee Legacy of bowing down to talentless junk-ballers. I still don’t know who you are, and I still don’t care. You won’t be around for long enough to matter.
- Thank you, Derek Jeter, for helping the Tigers’ defense by hitting balls straight to their gloves. You realize you’re supposed to find holes in the defense, right? OK. Just checking. I still love you, but you need to go back to, y’know, hitting.
P.S. You still got talent, son. Respect.
- Thank you, Magglio Ordonez, for getting rid of the Jheri Curl throwback to the 80’s.
- Thank you, Valverde, for being the one-man circus freak-show on the mound. Who the Hell celebrates the first out of the inning? Whatever happened to a simple fist-pump to show celebration? You make Francisco Rodriguez look humble.
- Thank you, Joel Zumaya, for being a freak of nature with that robotic arm. Who throws twenty 100+ MPH pitches in a row? You must have surgically attached the new Apple “iArm” to your shoulder.
- Thank you, Phil Coke, for really letting yourself go. You look like a slob, and you didn’t fool anyone with your 0.2 IP.
- Thank you, Yankees Offense, for doing too little, too late. You reminded me of my worthless ex-boyfriend, who wasted my time by being a d*ck, then after we broke up, he sent me flowers with a note saying “I’m sorry”.